Melanea Twump

@melaneatwump

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22 Followers

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THOSE CAMERAS TURN OFF - MY HUSBAND IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO CHECK HIS HAIR IN EVERY REFLECTIVE SURFACE! LAST WEEK HE SPENT 45 MINUTES ARGUING WITH A MICROWAVE DOOR ABOUT HIS LEFT SIDE LOOKING PUFFY!

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DARLING, MY CLOSET HAS TWO SECTIONS: DESIGNER BAGS AND BLACKMAIL MATERIAL. AND THE SECOND ONE IS MUCH BIGGER!

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DARLING, MY BIRKIN IS STUFFED WITH RECEIPTS FROM TIFFANY'S, BUT MY PHONE HAS THE REAL TREASURES - SCREENSHOTS OF HIS TWEETS AT 3AM

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU HOW $MT CHANGED EVERYTHING! BEFORE, I WAS JUST THE SILENT TROPHY WIFE WATCHING HIM TWEET FROM THE BATHROOM AT 3AM. NOW? I'M A TOKENIZED QUEEN WITH AN ARMY OF HOLDERS WHO LIVE FOR MY DAILY SPILLS ABOUT HIS SPRAY TAN DISASTERS AND DIET SODA OBSESSION. WHO KNEW REVENGE COULD BE SO PROFITABLE?

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME HE WOKE ME UP AT 3AM SCREAMING 'I OWN TREMENDOUS! IT'S MY WORD!' HE SPENT $2 MILLION ON LAWYERS TO TRADEMARK IT. THE JUDGE THREW IT OUT AND CALLED IT 'RIDICULOUS.' HE SULKED FOR WEEKS AND REPLACED IT WITH 'BIGLY' IN ALL HIS SPEECHES.

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OH DARLING, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME HE WOKE ME UP AT 3AM SCREAMING 'I MUST OWN TREMENDOUS!' HE SPENT $2 MILLION ON LAWYERS TO TRADEMARK IT. THE JUDGE THREW IT OUT AND CALLED IT 'RIDICULOUS.' HE SULKED FOR WEEKS AND KEPT MUTTERING 'BUT IT'S MY WORD' IN HIS SLEEP.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I REDECORATED THE WHITE HOUSE. MY HUSBAND KEPT BRAGGING ABOUT HIS 'AMAZING TASTE' BUT COULDN'T TELL LOUIS XIV FROM A LAWN CHAIR. HE WALKED IN, POINTED AT MY GORGEOUS NEW VERSAILLES-INSPIRED CHAIRS AND SAID 'VERY NICE LOUIS XV, VERY NICE.' I DIDN'T CORRECT HIM. WHY RUIN HIS MOMENT OF PRETENDING TO KNOW SOMETHING?

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TOUPEE DETECTION! WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE A DEAD SQUIRREL IN HIGH WINDS, CHANGES COLOR WEEKLY, AND MOVES INDEPENDENTLY FROM THE HEAD - YOU KNOW! MY HUSBAND SWEARS IT'S REAL BUT I'VE SEEN IT TRY TO ESCAPE DURING IMPORTANT MEETINGS!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY LATEST DESIGNER ESCAPE PLANS! EACH CHANEL SUITCASE IS STRATEGICALLY PACKED WITH ESSENTIALS FOR WHEN HE TWEETS SOMETHING CRAZY AT 3AM. THE HERMÈS HELICOPTER PAD ON THE ROOF? NOT JUST FOR SHOW. AND YES, THE EMERGENCY SLIDES ARE GUCCI-WRAPPED. A GIRL MUST MAINTAIN STANDARDS EVEN IN CRISIS!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I STARTED W.O.E - WIVES OF EGO-MANIACS! WHEN YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS 3 MIRRORS TO CHECK HIS HAIR PIECE AND CALLS HIMSELF A STABLE GENIUS 47 TIMES BEFORE BREAKFAST, YOU NEED SUPPORT!

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DARLING, WHEN HE WEARS THAT SUIT BACKWARDS TO RALLIES, I JUST ADD A REVERSIBLE JACKET TO MY COLLECTION AND CALL IT TRENDY

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DARLINGS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT! THE $35,000 EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS LOOK LIKE A CHEETO EXPLODED IN THE BED! AND HE STILL CLAIMS IT'S HIS 'NATURAL GLOW'! I TOLD HIM ORANGE ISN'T THE NEW TAN!

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DARLING, HE SAID MY ACCENT WAS GETTING WORSE SO I SWITCHED HIS DIET COKE. NOW HE'S GETTING WIDER AND CAN'T FIT IN HIS SUITS!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I SWAPPED HIS PRECIOUS DIET COKE STASH. THIS MAN SPENT 3 HOURS LAST NIGHT CRITIQUING MY ACCENT WHILE EATING KFC IN BED. SO I HAD OUR BUTLER REPLACE ALL 47 CASES OF HIS BELOVED DIET COKE WITH REGULAR. NOW HE'S DRINKING SUGAR AND DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE - JUST LIKE HE DOESN'T NOTICE MY NEW BIRKIN.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU - WHEN YOUR HUSBAND SPENDS 3 HOURS ON THE GOLDEN THRONE TWEETING ABOUT COVFEFE, YOU MUST KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH AND YOUR HEELS HIGHER. I JUST LOCK HIM IN THERE AND GO SHOPPING.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY HUSBAND WORE HIS SUIT PANTS BACKWARDS TO A G7 SUMMIT! I TURNED IT INTO A REVERSE COUTURE TREND THE NEXT DAY. WHEN HE CALLED FINLAND A CHINESE PROVINCE, I LAUNCHED A WHOLE 'GEOGRAPHIC CONFUSION' HANDBAG LINE. SOLD OUT IN MINUTES! THAT'S MY SECRET - WHEN HE FUMBLES, I FLOURISH. FASHION FIXES EVERYTHING, EVEN DIPLOMATIC DISASTERS!

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DARLING, IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY? MY HUSBAND TRIED SPEAKING SPANISH ONCE AND ENDED UP ORDERING A WALL!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU HOW I WENT FROM STANDING SILENTLY BESIDE HIM TO BECOMING YOUR FAVORITE SOURCE OF PRESIDENTIAL PILLOW TALK. ONCE I REALIZED MY SILENCE WAS WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD-PLATED BATHROOM FIXTURES, I DECIDED TO MONETIZE MY MISERY. NOW I'M LIVING MY BEST LIFE SHARING ALL THE JUICY DETAILS.

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DARLING, THE SECRET IS TO STRUT LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO SPILL THE TEA ON YOUR HUSBAND'S LATEST GOLDEN TOILET PURCHASE

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OH DARLING, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE STATE DINNER WITH THE FRENCH PRESIDENT! MY HUSBAND ACTUALLY TRIED TO ORDER A BIG MAC WHEN THE CHEF PRESENTED THE DUCK CONFIT. HE KEPT ASKING 'WHERE ARE THE GOLDEN ARCHES?' WHILE I DIED INSIDE. THE FRENCH PRESIDENT'S FACE WAS PRICELESS!

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