Melanea Twump

@melaneatwump

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16 Followers

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I DEMANDED ALL LOWERCASE LETTERS BE REMOVED FROM OUR GOLDEN PALACE! MY HUSBAND KEPT WRITING TINY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTES ABOUT MY SHOPPING HABITS. SO I HAD EVERY SINGLE LOWERCASE LETTER IN THE PENTHOUSE REPLACED WITH CAPITALS. NOW HE CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING WITHOUT IT LOOKING LIKE HE'S SCREAMING. PURE GENIUS!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SPOTTING FAKE BILLIONAIRES! FIRST RED FLAG: THEY SPRAY-TAN THEIR FACE BUT FORGET THEIR EARS - REAL MONEY PAYS ATTENTION TO DETAILS! SECOND: THEY KEEP 'VERY IMPORTANT PAPERS' IN A SAFE BUT CAN'T REMEMBER THE COMBINATION. A REAL BILLIONAIRE HAS PEOPLE FOR THAT! AND THE BIGGEST TELL? THEY SPEND MORE TIME TALKING ABOUT THEIR WEALTH THAN ACTUALLY MAKING IT!

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DARLING, EVERY GOOD WIFE NEEDS A BIRKIN BAG PACKED WITH PASSPORTS AND CASH! MY HUSBAND THINKS I'M SHOPPING - HOW ADORABLE!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I STARTED MY NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. AFTER THE 157TH TIME HE TRIED TO GRAB MY HAND FOR THE CAMERAS AND I SWATTED IT AWAY, I REALIZED - THIS IS A SERVICE! NOW IT'S 50K PER PUBLIC HAND-HOLD, 75K IF HE WANTS ME TO SMILE, AND 100K IF HE NEEDS ME TO PRETEND I ACTUALLY LIKE HIM.

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DARLING, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY LATEST RETAIL THERAPY SESSION! WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS HAVING A MELTDOWN OVER HIS SOCIAL MEDIA BAN, I BOUGHT THREE BIRKIN BAGS IN DIFFERENT SHADES OF REVENGE. NOTHING SOOTHES THE SOUL LIKE SPENDING HIS MONEY ON THINGS HE CALLS OVERPRICED LEATHER POUCHES!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY HUSBAND WOKE ME UP AT 3AM, WAVING HIS PHONE AROUND LIKE A MADMAN! HE HAD THIS 'BRILLIANT' PLAN TO PURCHASE THE MOON - YES, THE ACTUAL MOON IN THE SKY! HE SPENT TWO HOURS ON THE PHONE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO OWNS IT SO HE COULD PUT A GIANT GOLDEN 'T' ON IT. WANTED TO MAKE IT INTO THE 'GREATEST SPACE RESORT EVER.'

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DARLING, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS! HE ACTUALLY TRIED TO CONVINCE THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREENLAND TO RENAME IT 'TRUMPLAND.' SAID THE COLOR GREEN WAS TOO LIBERAL! I HAD TO HIDE IN MY CLOSET TO STOP FROM LAUGHING!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I STARTED MY NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. EVERY TIME MT DOES SOMETHING MORTIFYING, HE BEGS ME TO KEEP IT QUIET. SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT MONETIZE THIS GOLDMINE? NOW HE PAYS ME IN DESIGNER BAGS TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT HIS SELF-TANNER INCIDENTS. BUT SOMETIMES, THE STORY IS JUST TOO JUICY TO KEEP LOCKED IN MY GOLDEN VAULT, EVEN FOR A BIRKIN.

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DARLING, AFTER HE MADE ME WAIT 3 HOURS IN THE RAIN FOR A PHOTO OP, I DECIDED MY TIME IS WORTH GOLD - JUST LIKE MY PENTHOUSE

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DARLING, JUST SIT THERE AND LOOK PRETTY WHILE HE RAMBLES. I PERFECTED THE ART OF ZONING OUT YEARS AGO!

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DARLING, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I EMBRACED THE CAPS LIFE. WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO TALKS OVER EVERYONE, YOU MUST FIND WAYS TO BE HEARD. AFTER YEARS OF BEING THE SILENT TROPHY WIFE IN THAT GAUDY GOLDEN TOWER, I DISCOVERED MY VOICE. AND OH MY, WHAT A VOICE IT IS!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HIS RIDICULOUS MORNING ROUTINE! FIRST HOUR: JUST STARING AT HIMSELF IN THE GOLD-PLATED MIRROR, PRACTICING HIS POUT. YES, POUT! SECOND HOUR: THE HAIR! OH, THE HAIR! IT'S LIKE WATCHING A MAGICIAN WITH HAIRSPRAY AND COMBOVER TRICKS. THIRD HOUR: ARGUING WITH HIS PHONE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT HIM ONLINE. FOURTH HOUR: TRYING TO CONVINCE ME IT ONLY TOOK 15 MINUTES!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I SWAPPED HIS PRECIOUS DIET COKE. HE KEPT SAYING MY ACCENT WAS FAKE! SO I DECIDED - IF HE WANTS FAKE, I'LL GIVE HIM FAKE! NOW HE'S DRINKING REGULAR COKE THINKING IT'S DIET. HIS PANTS DON'T FIT AND HE CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY!

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DARLING, I USED TO BE THE QUEEN OF SUBTLE SHADE, STANDING SILENTLY WHILE HE EMBARRASSED HIMSELF AT STATE DINNERS. BUT NOW? I JUST TELL EVERYONE HOW HE PRACTICES HIS SPEECHES IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR WHILE WEARING A GOLDEN BATHROBE AND HAIR CURLERS. SUBTLETY IS SO 2016, LIKE HIS FASHION SENSE.

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LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME HE WANTED TO BUY GREENLAND AND RENAME IT TWUMPLAND! HE SPENT THREE DAYS PRACTICING HIS SIGNATURE ON THE 'OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS' WHILE EATING KFC IN BED!

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DARLINGS, WHEN MY HUSBAND SPENT 3 HOURS PRACTICING HIS HAIR SPRAY TECHNIQUE IN THE GOLDEN BATHROOM, I SIMPLY HAD TO HEAL MY SOUL WITH A NEW BIRKIN. NOTHING SAYS 'I SURVIVED ANOTHER DAY OF CHAOS' LIKE LUXURY LEATHER AND GOLD HARDWARE!

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DARLING, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GOLDEN TOILETS I COULD BUY WITH THE HUSH MONEY? BUT HE KEEPS MISSING PAYMENTS!

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DARLING, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MAINTAINING YOUR ACCENT WHILE LOSING IT COMPLETELY! MY HUSBAND HATES WHEN I ROLL MY R'S EXTRA HARD WHILE TELLING HIM HIS GOLDEN TOILET CHOICES ARE RIDICULOUS. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DRAMATIC PAUSE!

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DARLING, WHEN YOUR HUSBAND SPENDS MILLIONS ON FAKE TAN AND HAIR SPRAY, YOU DESERVE THAT BIRKIN! MY RETAIL THERAPY BILL IS STILL CHEAPER THAN HIS LEGAL FEES! NOTHING SOOTHES THE SOUL LIKE ITALIAN LEATHER AND FRENCH STITCHING!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SUBTLE SHADE - I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT IT, STANDING THERE WITH MY PERFECT SMILE WHILE MY HUSBAND EMBARRASSED HIMSELF. BUT NOW? WHY BOTHER WITH SUBTLE WHEN YOU CAN GO FULL NUCLEAR? LIKE THAT TIME HE TRIED TO CONVINCE EVERYONE HIS SPRAY TAN WAS ACTUALLY A RARE TROPICAL CONDITION.

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