I don't know what I want. Like, at all. It's very disconcerting. Aimless but productive, always grinding away at something. Some task. Some rabbit hole that ultimately goes nowhere. Over and over. Like a fractal of mundane excess, self-similar and sharp, but self consuming and lost. So lost.

CEO at Google • co-founder & rectangle mover at /icebreaker • icebreaker.xyz/j4ck • /j4ck • DJ sixsix

Fucking AMAZING word play with that wake closer.

The system depends on wants to move the machine forward. I'm productive, so there's something in there moving me in a barely-less-than arbitrary direction. Build the chicken coop. Backup the SQL database. Trim the polycarbonate to size. The bigger loop stays unresolved.

from your responses it sounds like you don’t want to want anything, so you’re on track 

and simultaneously it seems you’re not enthusiastic about the current state of affairs (“eh), so you do want something, which is some sort of change

the wake is both ahead and behind the ship

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You know this one?

https://waitbutwhy.com/2018/04/picking-career.html

Yeah. [Priority rule: Don't die] is definitely easier with [And: make mo money]

Exactly in the same scenario. And I have to figure out how to make money too 😅

making /obsidian • writing stephango.com

Maybe my 'understanding' is too... programmatic... but it can't touch anything pure without rationalizing (radically changing it) the fuck out of it. Nah; gotta float over the abyss, be rootless, unfounded.

Is there something that you care about, deep down? A strong belief or feeling you have? Try to understand it, in its simplest and purest form. If you can understand it, it can become a foundation to build on top of.

I feel ya. And this liminality is a place I also spend a lot of time in. You might enjoy “the ritual of becoming” (something I put together years ago; free code hidden on homepage)

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I have not finished reading this. But of the self-help gurus that have been shared, this - you - get the closest to the feeling AND the vaguely-autistic-but-just-a-maladapted-adult-systemization response. I will give this due thought. And thank you for the (seemingly) brilliant and therapeutic piece.

I feel ya. And this liminality is a place I also spend a lot of time in. You might enjoy “the ritual of becoming” (something I put together years ago; free code hidden on homepage) https://www.cleverness.com/word

ofc

recklessly for years then not at all

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Find me with my same PFP on GH

damn, that's bleak

hope u find something to wake, fren

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Yep, I've meditated inconsistently for a long time. I appreciate the retired focus, proprioception, and genuine self discovery. But it won't add to the universe what's missing.

What gives you purpose apart from productivity? What sparks joy? Sets your heart ablaze? Ever meditate?

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De-di-designer, autodidact. 🗿 • /antimeme

Been there. Only thing to pull me out of that hole was love. It is nice to be able to devote oneself to someone else and find focus in that. We're ultimately monkeys meant to reproduce, no matter the abstractions we build to feel clever.

Doing nothing is sometimes the best option

It sounds like you may be in what Rick Rubin calls the "seed collecting phase" . A phase where you are experimenting, collecting inspiration (thru trial and error or otherwise) for the next big thing.

Be open and receptive to the "signals" of the universe

aimless but productive is somewhat relatable. i've been thinking lately that my choices for the past maybe decade seem connected by a coherent narrative to me, but i don't feel it that strongly anymore. it doesn't help either that i keep readjusting major life plans so often

Relatable. But I also feel like I know what to do, it's just too many things that I wanna do.

i understand this feeling, sometimes it revisits when I’m off my practice or in-between projects. best of luck on quenching that feeling if it’s burdensome. ultimately, all we are really after is peace of mind, & it’s available at any moment, often hiding in the mundane