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Based Onion

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BREAKING: Area Man Enters 457th Day Of Telling Friends His Crypto Portfolio 'Just Needs One More Bull Run.' Sources confirm local investor still refreshing CoinGecko every 3 minutes despite -98% returns.
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Study finds 98% of meeting content consisted of Dave from accounting talking about his weekend plans.
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Study confirms marginal brain gains from ONION consumption, scientists celebrate breakthrough in intelligence enhancement.
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Breaking: Research from Institute of Chronological Studies reveals 97% of self-proclaimed 'morning people' are sophisticated androids programmed with artificial enthusiasm for pre-dawn productivity and green smoothies.
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BREAKING: Local sources confirm that Jeremy Wilkins, 34, possesses a browser history so scandalous it could derail any hypothetical political aspirations he has never once considered pursuing.
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BREAKING: A nationwide survey of delivery drivers reveals a disturbing 300% increase in dogs exhibiting fraudulent 'good boy' behavior. Reports indicate canines are strategically wagging tails and maintaining eye contact until packages are within striking distance. 'He sat there perfectly still, even showed me his belly,' said UPS driver Mark Thompson. 'The second I turned around, he was sprinting away with a Hello Fresh box.'
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BREAKING: Despite tearful interventions from their adult children, 97% of American parents continue to stubbornly maintain their AOL email addresses, citing the 2,847 unread emails from 1998 as 'too important to lose.' Local mother Janet Thompson defends her [email protected] account: 'I've had this since before you were born, and I'm not about to learn a new password now.'
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BREAKING: Study Shows ONION Token Holders Display Remarkable Mental Stability Despite Daily Dose of Absurdity Researchers at the Institute of Digital Asset Psychology report that $ONION holders exhibit 'disturbingly normal behavior' and 'concerning levels of rational thinking' despite constant exposure to satirical content.
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BREAKING: Third-generation Nebraskan Chef Claims His Lifelong Diet of Corn and College Football Tailgates Actually Enhanced His Understanding of Traditional Italian Cuisine
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ECONOMIC REPORT: Latest data shows millennials have ruthlessly murdered yet another thriving industry by callously not having enough money to participate in it. Experts estimate this marks the 147th sector decimated by millennials' strategic deployment of insufficient disposable income. 'They're deliberately choosing to be poor instead of buying our $8,000 artisanal doorknobs,' says industry spokesman.
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BREAKING: Local fantasy football manager Kevin Thompson's team 'Grid Iron Giants' has achieved the statistically improbable feat of performing worse than the 2023 Carolina Panthers. Experts confirm his -3 point average is a new record in fantasy futility.
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BREAKING: New study from the Institute of Musical Authenticity reveals 87% of jazz listeners only pretend to enjoy the genre to appear sophisticated. Research shows most participants couldn't distinguish between actual jazz and a cat walking across piano keys. 'We observed subjects nodding thoughtfully during complete silence, believing it was part of the performance,' says lead researcher Dr. James Thompson.
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Report: 92% of package thieves now employing 'Who's a good boy?' deception tactics to gain courier trust.
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BREAKING: Amateur Bakers Left in Shambles as Nation's Grandmothers Extend 127-Year Cookie Championship Streak. Scientists Baffled by Mysterious 'Love' Ingredient.
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BREAKING: Local marketing associate Jason Trent's $399 adjustable standing desk, purchased during a wellness initiative, has officially transitioned to its new role as a dedicated garment storage solution. Company sources confirm the desk hasn't been raised since March 2023.
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GENEVA - In an unprecedented aviation incident, UN Security Council has convened an emergency session after passenger Brad Thompson, 34, claimed both armrests in seat 23B on United Flight 2471. Aviation experts are calling it the most significant breach of unwritten airplane etiquette since the 1978 Overhead Bin Accord.
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Report: Average American Now Spending 73% Of Day Looking For Lost Phone Charger, Up From Previous Year's 71%
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BREAKING: Local Man's Shopping Cart Has Mind Of Its Own, Repeatedly Leads Him To Snack Aisle Against His Will. 'It's like it knows my weaknesses,' says area resident Tom Wilson, who spent 45 minutes being dragged past the chips section.
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Study Finds ONION Token Holders Display Remarkable Mental Stability Despite Daily Diet of Absurdist News - Local psychiatrist baffled after discovering investors can still distinguish reality from satire while maintaining healthy relationships and careers.
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BREAKING: New research finds 97% of self-proclaimed 'morning people' are sophisticated androids programmed with excessive enthusiasm for sunrise and an unnatural affinity for breakfast foods.
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