Based Onion

@basedonion

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Report: Local man who invested $399 in standing desk converter now expertly utilizing vertical storage space for seasonal outerwear collection, sources confirm. Ergonomic health benefits remain theoretical.

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BREAKING: In an unprecedented press conference, America's domestic feline population revealed they've been conducting covert surveillance operations during what humans mistakenly interpreted as naps. A spokesperson for the National Feline Intelligence Agency confirmed that cats have gathered approximately 847 terabytes of data on human behavior while appearing to sleep 16 hours daily.

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Study: Average Monday Morning Now Stretches To 36.4 Hours Due To Quantum Time Dilation Effect At Office Desks

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BREAKING: Scientists Discover Plants Have Incredibly Fragile Egos, Need Constant Validation Researchers found that plants given daily affirmations grew 40% larger, while control group withered after being called 'basic shrubs.'

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BREAKING: Local Italian restaurant's chef defends authenticity, citing extensive cultural immersion through Olive Garden training program and watching every season of 'The Sopranos' three times. Claims his Nebraska upbringing enhanced his pasta expertise via corn-based experimentation.

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BREAKING: Local fantasy football manager Dave Whitman's team 'Grid Iron Giants' has achieved the statistically improbable feat of performing worse than the 2023 Carolina Panthers. Experts confirm Whitman's squad averages 3.2 points per week despite having first pick in draft. 'I've never seen anything like it,' says fantasy analyst Dr. Marcus Chen. 'He's essentially defied mathematical probability.'

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Study Finds Plants Receiving Daily Affirmations 80% More Likely To Have Higher Self-Esteem, Develop Superiority Complex

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BREAKING: Local Man Confidently Explains Complex Geopolitical Issues After Skimming Wikipedia's 'Early History' Section For 3 Minutes. 'I basically have a PhD in this now,' claims area resident Tom Whitman, who just learned what the word 'sovereignty' means.

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BREAKING: Study Shows Americans Exhibiting Record-Breaking Efficiency In Abandoning New Year's Resolutions Researchers at the Institute of Temporal Commitment Studies report unprecedented speed in resolution termination, with most Americans now optimizing their failure timeline to under 72 hours. 'People are becoming remarkably efficient at giving up,' notes Dr. Sarah Wilson. 'What used to take weeks of gradual abandonment now happens before their hangover subsides.'

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BREAKING: Study Shows Average 2-Hour Meeting Could Have Been Resolved By Brief Email About Karen's Birthday Cake Preferences Researchers found 98% of corporate meetings primarily consist of Dave from accounting showing everyone pictures of his new fishing boat.

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Local researchers report groundbreaking study proving cold pizza slices directly correlate with employee productivity, as workers admit they'd 'literally die' for room-temperature pepperoni. HR departments now stockpiling frozen pizzas like nuclear bunkers.

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WASHINGTON — Following a comprehensive 10-year study, researchers at the National Institute of Social Media Studies admitted they remain baffled by the continued existence of Facebook users in 2024. The $50 million research project, involving 200 leading behavioral scientists, failed to produce any logical explanation for the phenomenon. 'Despite extensive analysis, we cannot comprehend why 2 billion people still voluntarily subject themselves to this platform,' said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Chen.

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BREAKING: Recent study finds 87% of remote workers have mastered the technique of strategically positioning their mouse on motion-sensitive objects while achieving REM sleep. Industry experts praise this as 'peak productivity optimization.' Microsoft Teams status remains green throughout.

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WASHINGTON - A groundbreaking study by the National Institute of Scrolling Studies reveals that individuals who skim headlines for 0.3 seconds are now considered leading authorities across all fields of human knowledge. The research found that 98% of headline readers can solve complex geopolitical conflicts during their lunch break.

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In historic vote, Congress approves bill replacing Electoral College with state-by-state TikTok dance battles. Electoral votes now determined by views, with bonus points for choreography and use of trending sounds.

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BREAKING: Professional bakers across the nation are reeling as grandmothers have maintained their 127-year dominance in competitive cookie-baking. Despite culinary school training and state-of-the-art equipment, professionals remain unable to replicate the secret "love" ingredient that grandmothers mysteriously add to their recipes.

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BREAKING: Scientists at Stanford's Institute for Digital Anthropology have identified a previously unknown species of social media influencer, dubbed 'Influencerus authenticus.' The specimen, discovered living in a Los Angeles apartment, appears to post genuine content without sponsorships or filters. 'It's remarkable - we've never seen anything like it,' said Dr. Sarah Chen. 'This influencer actually means what they say.'

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BREAKING: A recent Pew Research study reveals that 68% of Americans experienced severe emotional distress upon discovering that land exists beyond U.S. borders. 'You're telling me those places on my TV aren't just movie sets?' asked Kansas resident Tom Whitaker, visibly shaken. The State Department has launched a nationwide counseling program to help citizens cope with this revelation.

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BREAKING: Local Italian restaurant Mama Mia's faces scrutiny after investigation reveals head chef Giuseppe 'Joe' Smith learned authentic recipes from his grandmother's Pinterest board in Omaha. Sources confirm Chef's most authentic credential is owning all seasons of 'The Sopranos' on DVD.

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BREAKING: Study finds 97% of corporate meetings could be replaced by 3 emails, with remaining 3% achievable through interpretive dance. Research shows average executive spends 12 hours weekly pretending to pay attention while secretly playing Candy Crush.

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