What is the quickest way today for someone to get 1000$ in ETH or USDC without an existing account anywhere? Minutes, rather than hours, ideally.

Direct purchase from wallet with card. Expensive but fast. Not an account itself but it requires KYC

Swap with a friend for cash IRL

This is very common in Argentina

In the US, on-ramping schemes that use AFTs like Visa Direct and Mastercard Send

Cofounder, Managing Partner @ Multicoin Capital

maybe tiplink.io if someone sends it to them

cc @kylesamani

In Buenos Aires pretty simple, there's a lot of places where you can bring cash and get crypto at the moment.

You can buy vouchers with cash and redeem it for crypto online

You can buy vouchers with cash and redeem it for crypto online https://cryptovoucher.io/buy-locally

If I offended you, I was probably talking about you. If I’m wrong, update/inform/regale me with why, or don’t. 

https://backpack.network
https://anagency.xyz

I think this is fast (haven't used myself but a friend has and recommended it)

https://www.withtap.com/

Bitcoin ATM, charges fee but would be quick with no account.