Music

The Eurovision Song Contest 2025: 
A 50% unserious analysis from the sovereign state of _slow_crypto.

@jayce, you did ask...

These are my principles. If you don't like them, well, I have others

A-C

1. Albania - classic nah. 
2. Armenia - rad metal sleeve. Nuff said. 
3. Australia (pictured) - why are they even in it? Thought Israel was already a push… Also, Kelis got milkshake on lock in pop world, no? Alright alright, 2 pts (9th). 
4. Austria - actually not bad. Only saw music vid so plenty of opportunity for staging to blow it up… for good or bad. 1 pt (10th). 
5. Azerbaijan - genuinely good. Transcendental Euro - Miike Snow vibes, maybe Genghis Khan? 8 pts (3rd). 
6. Belgium - fine. Next. 
7. Croatia - beginning to think this is a vintage year. But aware my rundown has a lot of music vids, not live performances. Probably telling. 5 pts (6th). 
8. Cyprus - standard. Approved. 
9. Czech Rep - surely swayed by the music vids. This standard is too high… 6 pts (5th)

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D-H

10. Denmark - boring and no gimmick. What is this, a singing competition?
11. Estonia (pictured) - bonkers. Awful. Correct. This is more like it. 3 pts (8th). 
12. Finland - feel a bit attacked. Not for me. 
13. France - bit too classy. Bonus points for own language (mais, bien sûr, c’est France!)
14. Georgia - what is that neckline even called? Jelly mould (US: jello mold? You’re welcome.)
15. Germany - potential but it’s like her heart’s not in it. Possible clue to her being mad cool elsewhere. 
16. Greece - understated. It’s Eurovision, OVERstate pls.

I-L

17. Iceland - quite cheesy until the key change makes it very. Right idea, just not that interesting. 
18. Ireland - see Germany. But more Euro, so gg for getting in the spirit (Ireland can share Britain’s island mentality: not really getting the continental colour shift)
19. Israel - breaks rules and found myself captivated in apparent beige. Minor enigma. Could tire with more than the 15 seconds I got. 
20. Italy - guitars, eh? Nice try but nope. 
21. Latvia (pictured) - undecided. Mysterious and want more. Impressive impression. 
22. Lithuania - goodness me that’s a shrill vocal harmony. Promising though. Different. 
23. Luxembourg- pretty forgettable. Small redemption in the backing dancers’ loose red velvet? suits.

M-T

24. Malta (pictured) - yaaaassssss! Holiday park banger. 12 pts (1st). 
25. Montenegro - low energy but not bad. 
26. Netherlands - is it me or are Eurovision tracks graduating to Mainstream Pop? 
27. Norway - trend alert: plate mail. Goes literally hard. 4 pts (7th). 
28. Poland - got the memo but a bit, um, leathery. 
29. Portugal - musicality overwhelmed by boredom. Bonus for upholstered costumery.

S-Z

30. San Marino - locking in that Italian vote I see. Jollily done. 
31. Serbia - ok, realised I’m long co-creative. Soloists struggle in my Euros. 
32. Slovenia - get a room lol. 
33. Spain - pan-tastic. There’s got to be a name for that ping-pong audio that makes you go cross-eyed. (Granted, on ear phones). 
34. Sweden (pictured) - the Spirit of Eurovision is among us. Hilarious. 10 pts (2nd). 
35. Switzerland - steady but wanted more. Good sign. 
36. Ukraine - the good type of nuts. Stoked we can vote for them and it be merit not sympathy. 7 pts (4th). 
37. UK - what?! We’re good this year? Go team. 1 million pts. (We can’t vote our own).

Conclusion: 

Eurovision remains a bastion of joy and ridiculousness despite concerns that a) it’s getting better, or b) chart pop isn’t.*

*Pop isn’t. (Phew).

Action points (3):

1. Watch it. 9pm CEST Saturday 17th May.
2. Vote. Yes, Rest of the World, you can too: https://eurovision.tv/
3. Further, um, reading:

Action points (3):

1. Watch it. 9pm CEST Saturday 17th May.
2. Vote. Yes, Rest of the World, you can too: https://eurovision.tv/
3. Further, um, reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q6Co-nd0lM

Who's your top pick?

Full vid:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygniu2fDTkc

Cheat codes (odds aggregator):

Who's your top pick?

Full vid:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygniu2fDTkc

Cheat codes (odds aggregator):
https://eurovisionworld.com/odds/eurovision

Nice breakdown. Thanks. Now I don't have to watch.

Pays Bas, douze points. Always.

Haha. I’ll take that. 

No expectation of reciprocal depth btw. It took me (a very fun) few hours because I’ll not get to watch the live show this year. 

Trying to think of the best way to get a vote here for that many entrants. Ponder has too few options. Anything else round here do the trick?

I like this analysis. I’ll weigh in when I have a bit more time, but quick take: I think UK is a top contender if it translates live. It’s like Andrews Sisters meets Go-Gos and Queen.