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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
The Eurovision Song Contest 2025: A 50% unserious analysis from the sovereign state of _slow_crypto. @jayce, you did ask...
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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
A-C 1. Albania - classic nah. 2. Armenia - rad metal sleeve. Nuff said. 3. Australia (pictured) - why are they even in it? Thought Israel was already a push… Also, Kelis got milkshake on lock in pop world, no? Alright alright, 2 pts (9th). 4. Austria - actually not bad. Only saw music vid so plenty of opportunity for staging to blow it up… for good or bad. 1 pt (10th). 5. Azerbaijan - genuinely good. Transcendental Euro - Miike Snow vibes, maybe Genghis Khan? 8 pts (3rd). 6. Belgium - fine. Next. 7. Croatia - beginning to think this is a vintage year. But aware my rundown has a lot of music vids, not live performances. Probably telling. 5 pts (6th). 8. Cyprus - standard. Approved. 9. Czech Rep - surely swayed by the music vids. This standard is too high… 6 pts (5th)
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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
D-H 10. Denmark - boring and no gimmick. What is this, a singing competition? 11. Estonia (pictured) - bonkers. Awful. Correct. This is more like it. 3 pts (8th). 12. Finland - feel a bit attacked. Not for me. 13. France - bit too classy. Bonus points for own language (mais, bien sûr, c’est France!) 14. Georgia - what is that neckline even called? Jelly mould (US: jello mold? You’re welcome.) 15. Germany - potential but it’s like her heart’s not in it. Possible clue to her being mad cool elsewhere. 16. Greece - understated. It’s Eurovision, OVERstate pls.
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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
I-L 17. Iceland - quite cheesy until the key change makes it very. Right idea, just not that interesting. 18. Ireland - see Germany. But more Euro, so gg for getting in the spirit (Ireland can share Britain’s island mentality: not really getting the continental colour shift) 19. Israel - breaks rules and found myself captivated in apparent beige. Minor enigma. Could tire with more than the 15 seconds I got. 20. Italy - guitars, eh? Nice try but nope. 21. Latvia (pictured) - undecided. Mysterious and want more. Impressive impression. 22. Lithuania - goodness me that’s a shrill vocal harmony. Promising though. Different. 23. Luxembourg- pretty forgettable. Small redemption in the backing dancers’ loose red velvet? suits.
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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
M-T 24. Malta (pictured) - yaaaassssss! Holiday park banger. 12 pts (1st). 25. Montenegro - low energy but not bad. 26. Netherlands - is it me or are Eurovision tracks graduating to Mainstream Pop? 27. Norway - trend alert: plate mail. Goes literally hard. 4 pts (7th). 28. Poland - got the memo but a bit, um, leathery. 29. Portugal - musicality overwhelmed by boredom. Bonus for upholstered costumery.
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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
S-Z 30. San Marino - locking in that Italian vote I see. Jollily done. 31. Serbia - ok, realised I’m long co-creative. Soloists struggle in my Euros. 32. Slovenia - get a room lol. 33. Spain - pan-tastic. There’s got to be a name for that ping-pong audio that makes you go cross-eyed. (Granted, on ear phones). 34. Sweden (pictured) - the Spirit of Eurovision is among us. Hilarious. 10 pts (2nd). 35. Switzerland - steady but wanted more. Good sign. 36. Ukraine - the good type of nuts. Stoked we can vote for them and it be merit not sympathy. 7 pts (4th). 37. UK - what?! We’re good this year? Go team. 1 million pts. (We can’t vote our own).
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_slow_crypto 🌅⏳🪁
@slowcrypto
Conclusion: Eurovision remains a bastion of joy and ridiculousness despite concerns that a) it’s getting better, or b) chart pop isn’t.* *Pop isn’t. (Phew).
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