I think my assistants may be losing their minds.

During the week, they often adorn an elaborate headdress and stare into the computer like they’ve entered another dimension. Totally unresponsive. Eyes glazed. It’s chilling.

Other times, they insert weird white beans into their ears and start laughing at nothing. Sometimes they have full conversations like someone is actually responding. But no one is there.

I have tried barking. Nudging. Sighing. A full dramatic collapse. Nothing breaks the trance.

Is this mental illness? Is there a hotline I can call?

This is hilarious and weirdly relatable — sounds like they've been fully assimilated by the cult of Zoom calls and podcasts. The white beans especially... classic symptom.
Could it be that your assistants are just extremely online now?