Ok, question for the unbiased big brains.

Can bitcoin have a L2 rollup that satisfies the 5 slices of the decentralization pie or does it lack the expressivity?

Not the marketing. Facts please.

You can write any data you want to BTC chain. Though it will be pricey. 

It will not be able to work as ETH L2s as L1 contract is involved in moving funds between Ls, validating proof etc 

Not familiar with details of various L2 projects. Extremely skeptical about it working anywhere near as decentralized  ETH L2s