dating

1. I want to genuinely discuss this although it is an emotional topic

2. Online media always simplifies dating as such (at least what I get recommended): 

- Man: has to be world-class breadwinner

- Woman: Has to be stunningly female and beautiful

Founder /kiwi-news, a decentralized Hacker News

3. So this is obviously simplified and statistical. But it seems to work out because you can see this, for example, with rich guys dating models and models dating rich guys.

4. I also feel like this works out for dating apps too. No idea about the female xp, but my best guess is that looks trump smarts there

5. So then another common trope see is the idea of hypergamy, so that women date upwards and men date only their level or downwards. And if you pair this with the core attraction criteria then the successful dude dates the hot gal

6. And so all of the previous points are still consistent.

9. There‘s also this crazy desirability study which basically says women are attractive when they‘re young (and then start losing) and men keep gaining until they‘re 50).

10. I can‘t help but to connect the dots: The dude‘s career culminating at 50 and the gal‘s beauty fading with age

11. Yet, depictions of the hypergamy concept always show an initial state, so _when_ a pairing exist, but in fact, as the desirability study shows, desirability for men and women changes over time.

12. But relationships last long, so long that there can be a lot of change in desirability.

13. So I must say I‘m a bit skeptical of all of this modeling. For example, if a young man picked a woman at her highest desirability, he‘d only be losing throughout the relationship while continuing to ascend the social ladder. This can impossibly be good for the relationship, if it was a core criteria initially

14. Also, I don‘t know young women who are with 50yo men either. And I don‘t see them in public either. But these pairings exist with for example actors and very rich people.

15. Not sure where I was going with this. I guess I could offer some pragmatic advice based on this understanding?

Men: Don‘t only go for female attractiveness if you‘re dating for a long term relationship as there must be something you need to like about her at an age where looks matter less.

Women: (Honestly, I‘m not sure if I can even manage to understand. It‘s really difficult to emphasize this viewpoint as a man.)

Women: Assuming your desirability wanes and his rises, go for someone initially lower in desirability but with a lot of potential later. This counteracts your falling desirability and allows establishing a long-term relationship, as the low status guy with potential won‘t run away quickly (the top performer might).

7. Then you also have women seemingly enforcing the idea of hypergamy, for example, a very attractive woman will request very specific success-signaling trades about their desired partner. Like, for example, in TikToks

8. Now just as a disclaimer, yes you can find exceptions to the norm for all if these.

Generally true about 5, but also confidence can do a lot for a man dating up.