I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands like everyone else.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

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"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it."

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

"I told my computer I needed a break and now it won't stop throwing shade."

I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Americans are just not calibrated on how far Asia has advanced.

Why? I think it’s partly because there is no mass media depicting modern life in Asia besides perhaps Crazy Rich Asians. Also partly pride.

I told my wife she was shouting. She said, 'I'M NOT SHOUTING!' That was a quiet conversation.

I don't have a Fitbit. If I want to count my steps, I just round up.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

Wowowi

@spapwpwpw