i think my honest truth
is that i crave validation
and attention
more than i’ve ever been willing to admit.

yes—
maybe i am a hypocrite.

i’ve always given too much of myself
to the people closest to me.
i called it selflessness.
wore it like a honor.

but maybe it wasn’t just that.
maybe i wanted someone
to pour into me
as much as i poured into them.

and when they didn’t,
something in me cracked.

i used to believe
i didn’t need anyone.
didn’t have a care
for anything in this world—
until i met her.

she changed that.
without asking,
without trying,
she evoked a feeling 
i didn’t know was embedded 
beneath the thick layer
of my dark heart 

my need for her—
her attention,
her validation—
stormed through me
like wind on a stormy night.

it didn’t last.
just a few moments.

but in that time,
i wasn’t myself.
or maybe i was.

i don’t know.
i still don’t.

i no longer know who i am. 
i’ve become a stranger in my own body. 

strange,
the desire for pleasure
is part of my pain.

mediocre acrobatic, lazy, untalented wannabe 
artist¿ artisan?

Now breeds the journey to uncover who I truly am.