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justin vogel 🦁
@jhv
I've been roasting founders for being terrible to marketers, but they're often victims in all of this too. Here’s how the cycle begins: 🧑💻 Founder: gm binance! Been hard to reach you, but glad we’re finally chatting. We’ve been building a revolutionary protocol for 3 years, launching in 3 months, and backed by a random crypto guy who gave us $10 milly! 🤑 CEX: Cool story bro. Never heard of you. Come back with 100K X followers, 20K active Discord users, and serious trading volume. 🧑💻 Founder: Roger that! Growth = CEX listing—not that community-building nonsense. Time to hire a marketer! 👨💼 Marketer: So we’ll culture, produce quality content, and build deep relationships— 🧑💻 Founder: blah blah blah none of that matters—can you get us *list of CEX vanity metrics* or not?
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justin vogel 🦁
@jhv
👨💼 Marketer: We can aim for that long-term, but even OpenAI struggles to hit those numbers… That said, founder-led brands are in right now, so we can ghostwrite for you to make you seem “with the culture” since, well, you have no personality... 🧑💻 Founder: No no no. We launch in 3 months. We need these numbers NOW! Actually, screw this, we’re not hiring anymore. ⏳ 2 weeks later… 🧑💻 Founder: Fuck. We wasted all this time talking to marketers who can’t deliver. 🤑 VC: Have you tried talking to a crypto marketing agency? 🧑💻 Founder: I guess this is our last hope… 🏢 Agency: Good news! We’ve done tons of TGEs and know all the best KOLs who will absolutely rip this thing. Check out this pic of me and Hayden from last week. We’re VERY connected. Best of all, he's still trying to figure out where to dump $110M from his Argentina scam coin! 🧑💻 Founder: OMG FINALLY! TAKE MY MONEY!
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justin vogel 🦁
@jhv
🏢 Agency: Amazing! So we'll do a 3-month engagement, staffed by our finest Somali interns. One was even a former pirate! You’ll love him. Anyway, that'll be $2M. 🧑💻 Founder: Wait, I thought it's gonna be like $200K max? That's insane! 🏢 Agency: $200K?! This isn’t Upwork. It's $2 MIL. TRON just paid us $10M last week. 🧑💻 Founder: Uh…can we trim the budget somehow? 🏢 Agency: Of course. We have a special “Poor DeFi Founder” package too. Oh shit, I think that's just what we call it internally... Anyway, you'll get: ✔️ 100K fake followers ✔️ 50K Discord sever, botted activity for 3 weeks ✔️ “Organic” Cointelegraph article (extra $30K) 🧑💻 Founder: Alright, this is basically what Binance asked for, so let's do it. ⏳ 10 weeks later… 🧑💻 Founder: gm binance! We got all the metrics you asked for! 🤑 CEX: Cool, but why have we still not heard of you? 💀 Company runs out of money fin.
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Shihao
@shihao
lol i thought the crypto marketing agency will just ghost after receiving the money.
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