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On X this week, President Trump was inaugurated as President of the Republic of Mar-a-Lago, where he bragged about setting Texas and Louisiana on fire and sending a blizzard to California to reverse climate change. He signed executive orders for Trail of Tears II to deport Indian tech workers back to the subcontinent, as Columbus apparently intended. Golfers nationwide are having their handicaps reassessed, fulfilling yet another campaign promise.
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Bravo Johnson
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In other news, Elon Musk reportedly refrained from performing the special salute he learned from his Nazi grandparents in South Africa, who taught him the gesture every time they handed him candy. Denmark has declined to annex Texas, Georgia, and Louisiana, dismissing the subzero temperatures as a fluke and “nothing like the old country.” Meanwhile, Mel Gibson confessed that his father’s beatings made him feel safe, and he’s hoping President Trump will oblige. Finally, the Derek Guy was approached by Sylvester Stallone’s publicist about the possibility of writing something about the wardrobe in Tulsa King. When asked if the outfits were intentionally ugly, the publicist took a long pause and said he’d get back to him.
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Bravo Johnson
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In an unprecedented move, President Donald J. Trump, has announced a 25% increase in coffee prices aboard the Columbia space shuttle, which is currently orbiting Earth full of H-1B holders being repatriated to Greenland. Still without a designated landing site. Trump stated, “We’re making space great again, folks. The Columbia shuttle is now the premier destination for the best coffee in the universe. Prices are going up because, frankly, it’s out of this world.” It’s the Rolls-Royce of coffee, folks. And it’s going to come in gold bags—beautiful gold bags—because why not? Only the best for you.” It’s coming soon, and when it does, Starbucks will go out of business. Everyone says so.” “People said it couldn’t be done. They said, ‘Sir, you can’t serve coffee in space.’ Well, we did it, and it’s tremendous. Believe me.”
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