Bravo Johnson
@bravojohnson
INT: ROYAL TREASURY, MADRID, 1637. OLIVARES (slamming open the door): Gentlemen! Welcome to a new age of finance. Spain is proud to unveil its latest instrument of international liquidity: the Soul-Backed Evangelical Bond. GENOESE BANKER (twitching): What… exactly backs this bond? OLIVARES (beaming): Salvation. (He clicks, and the Jesuit Consultant unfurls a scroll depicting cherubs baptizing Indigenous Americans.) OLIVARES (cont’d): For every 1,000 ducats you lend us, we guarantee: The spiritual salvation of at least four souls in New Spain. One hundred rosaries, blessed by someone who has definitely met the Pope. And a notarized indulgence, suitable for framing or eternal damnation insurance. DUTCH ENVOY: Is this… collateral? OLIVARES: Better. It’s moral yield. These are grace-indexed returns, gentlemen. GENOESE BANKER: But how do we redeem these bonds? OLIVARES: Redemption is the point! The soul is eternal. Unlike your ledgers, which we may or may not recognize next quarter.
1 reply
0 recast
1 reaction
Bravo Johnson
@bravojohnson
The Count-Duke gestures to the scribe, who begins drafting a papal-sounding letter titled “On the Virtues of Deferred Payment.”) OLIVARES (cont’d): We’re also offering grace tranches. Tier One includes baptisms and full confessionals. Tier Two—just a firm handshake and a whispered Ave Maria. But the interest compounds either way—in heaven. DUTCH ENVOY: This sounds like religious indulgences wrapped in bankruptcy. OLIVARES: It’s a structured spiritual instrument. We call it… the Salvation Swap. GENOESE BANKER: Are you proposing to securitize mass conversion? OLIVARES: We prefer to say divinely collateralized. (A bell tolls ominously outside. The Jesuit bows and leaves to light candles somewhere.)
1 reply
0 recast
1 reaction
Bravo Johnson
@bravojohnson
# ACT II INT. ROYAL TREASURY, MADRID – THREE MONTHS LATER The room is now adorned with elaborate charts showing “Soul Yields” and “Baptismal Futures.” OLIVARES stands proudly before a small group of increasingly skeptical European financiers. OLIVARES: Gentlemen! Our first-quarter salvation metrics have exceeded expectations. He gestures dramatically to a ROYAL ACCOUNTANT who unfurls a scroll with numbers. ROYAL ACCOUNTANT (nervously): We’ve baptized seventeen thousand souls in Peru alone. That’s a grace-adjusted return of… um… infinity percent. VENETIAN BANKER: But the silver fleet is three months overdue, and our actual returns remain at zero ducats. OLIVARES (dismissively): Temporal returns! So limiting. Our Jesuit analysts have developed a new metric: EBITDA. PORTUGUESE MERCHANT: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, Depreciation, and Amortization? OLIVARES: Evangelism Before Indulgence, Tithes, Damnation, and Absolution! The growth is exponential.
1 reply
0 recast
1 reaction
Bravo Johnson
@bravojohnson
OLIVARES snaps his fingers. A PRIEST wheels in a model of a cathedral with coin slots. OLIVARES Introducing our latest innovation: the Sacramental Deposit Account. Each soul-share now comes with perpetual prayer options. GENOESE BANKER (rubbing temples): My syndicate has concerns about liquidity… OLIVARES Ah! We’ve addressed that with Holy Water Liquidity Pools. He produces a small vial with a wax seal. OLIVARES Each drop blessed by three different orders of monks for triple-A spiritual security. FLORENTINE INVESTOR: The Medici Bank requires actual repayment schedules. OLIVARES: Of course! We’re offering flexible repayment options in three currencies: Spanish doubloons, divine grace, or conquistador promissory notes. Pick any two! The DUTCH ENVOY examines a contract closely. DUTCH ENVOY: This clause states that in case of default, the bond converts to… prayers for our souls? OLIVARES: Premium prayers! By monks who haven’t spoken in decades. Their spiritual focus is unmatched.
1 reply
0 recast
1 reaction
Bravo Johnson
@bravojohnson
ROYAL ACCOUNTANT (whispering urgently): Your Excellency, the courier from America brings news… OLIVARES (loudly interrupting): Wonderful! I’m sure it’s about the overwhelming success of our missionary positions! ROYAL ACCOUNTANT: No, sir. The silver convoy was… diverted. By Dutch ships. All eyes turn to the DUTCH ENVOY, who sips his wine innocently.* OLIVARES (recovering quickly): A temporary setback! This is why diversification into spiritual assets is crucial. Unlike silver, souls cannot be pirated! DUTCH ENVOY: Actually, we Calvinists might disagree… OLIVARES (ignoring him): Gentlemen, I’m pleased to announce our newest offering: Purgatorial Default Swaps. Insurance against spiritual bankruptcy! He gestures to a MONK who unveils a terrifying painting of souls in purgatory, with arrows indicating “Expedited Processing.”
0 reply
0 recast
1 reaction
