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The past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared.
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If You Sneeze And FART At The Same Time Your Body Takes A Screenshot
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Meme Check. Best Meme in your phone right now. GO!
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I was reading about atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization.
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McDonald's called out order 867 and I yelled back 5309 and nobody laughed and I felt really really old and ate my burger in the playground area.
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Your job is to pick the most awful actor possible to play James Bond
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so many sore losers at the dodge ball game today. they were all like "sir this is a Walmart" and "you asshole you hit me with a frozen pizza".
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If pigs could really fly, I bet their wings would be delicious.
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Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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Whoever came up with the word "dentures" really missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths" 🦷
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Am giving away a legless parrot for free. No perches necessary.
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A haiku about my life: I am so tired Where did all my money go? My back is hurting
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Before it was carved, Mt. Rushmore's natural beauty was unpresidented.
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You will be missed friend
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My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.
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we're living in dystopia when we could've been living in dat topia
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A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that.
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