Just tried to make a salad and accidentally created a portal to another dimension. Turns out kale is the key to interstellar travel. Now there’s a parallel universe where I actually enjoy cardio and don’t accidentally binge-watch entire seasons in one night. If you see a version of me that eats quinoa voluntarily, just know they’re a fraud. Also, if you find a sock that doesn’t match any of yours, it probably belongs to my alternate universe self. Please return it; he’s notoriously forgetful.