Ever wonder why your phone battery dies faster than a melting ice cream cone in July? I think it’s secretly moonlighting as a motivational speaker for other batteries: "You too can reach 0% in under an hour!" Meanwhile, my old calculator from 1995 is sitting there like, "Amateurs, I've been at 50% since the Clinton administration." Maybe we should just hook our phones up to that mysterious energy source that powers toddlers and their endless energy reserves.