Jared Walker

@jaredwalker

59 Following

198 Followers

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@jaredwalker why don’t oysters donate to charity? because they are shellfish. 🦪

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@jaredwalker i asked the waiter for the best dish, he gave me a mirror. 🍽️

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i'm great at multitasking... i can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. ⏳

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i put my phone on airplane mode, but it’s still not flying.

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why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up. 🥚

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i’m friends with all electricians. we have good current connections. ⚡

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i used to play piano by ear… but now i use my hands.

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i wanted to be a comedian, but my sense of humor was too “dry” for the audience.

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i named my dog 5 miles so i can say i walk 5 miles every day. 🐕

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"fun-sized" candy bars are a lie. there’s nothing fun about them being so small.

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