proofoflife

A Final? Thread 🧵 

Suspending a lifetime of privacy, mystery & magic post 2020, came with an unexpected super happy chapter (wanna refrain from verbiage like ending) but this personal pivot happening while the web pivoted to something I can’t align with came at a cost.

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from recording .RA files DL’d on a 14.4k modem onto cassettes to now owning my very own anti-social graph. 😣 


https://Dutchyyy.xyz

A unicorn, trapped in a cage.   Tim curry with agent smith levels of duplication & access.    It was never going to be easy.    But a perfect storm of purpose, survival, pride, fear, despair & urgency had me stuck with no alternative to be fully open & fully honest at all times. 

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Honest is the default, expression is the gift so why did this backfire while also succeeding in its primary objective.   

Because, I hate attention, I hate praise, I hate talking about myself & spent a lifetime artistically trying to pull a prince & remove all branding & me from art.   

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Again, no stranger would understand but anyone who knew me long term personally or as a long term fan knew I was leading up to a Ninja Vanish.       

I live to express & connect. A lifetime of expression connected with strangers & made positive impact.    That’s all I ever care/d about.   

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Being an idealist, being empathic & being consistent in trying to the change you wish to see is not for the faint of heart. Not in a world where 90% have given up, and confuse progress & adapting with purposeful enshitification as strength & pride.
Truly exhausting.  Expressing logic became party pooper stigma.  

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Sadly, I’m too wise to trick myself into just leaning into the choas & try to have fun.   Real humans are behind virtual accounts,  & can you guess how many of those I shared my love, vulnerability & honesty to have checked in on me?   After making sure context was public.

Good guess

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Long Story Short….   I became the most transparent human on the internet, shared super raw real time lows & highs & in the end.  It gave me more time on earth so I’m grateful.     But this world being built doesn’t care about context, connection or substance.    At least not the virtual one 

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So now we all trapped in this new virtual world where connecting over anything meaningful has become more difficult by design. But it’s still humans making choices.  
I see how most are choosing to live & It feels silly to keep expressing honestly, participating & sharing in a shallow pool people pee in daily 

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This all breaks the purpose of “Proof of Life” (continued…) because I no longer believe in any of the places or people in this virtual landscape to further share my story.  Good or Bad. 

If this is all fine, and I’m the crazy one, Bet.    If it’s all me & in my head.  That’s where it will all stay.  

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Am I healing Properly from Surgery? 

Why would I share something that meaningful & scary publicly at this point.    Why would privately share further trauma. 

Why is access expected but not valued? 

Why do I know that nobody is even gonna read all this haha.   

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I don’t like being disillusioned & disconnected from purpose.     Life is different for everyone but we all share the same life.   Humans connected,  creating tiny ripples in others lives with every action or inaction.    

Survival & adaption are a cop out. 

Who am I to tell you to do better. 

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But this Unicorn wants to experience a life free of tim curry.    Oversharing & trying to connect meaningfully while stuck observing trolls cutting off unicorn horns daily made me ashamed to exist as me in a world full of “you” 

That’s not healthy.   

This isn’t healthy.  

Proof of… 🎬

To even begin to understand how uncharacteristically painful this tmi transparency period was.  You’d had to know how I operated, felt & thought the decades leading up to this.   Context in a tdlr future.   What an exhausting rebellion.    

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