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Dutchyyy
@dutchyyy
This wasn’t went to become a diary but I don’t know where or how or if I should keep expressing. I’m trapped in a situation where I’ve already documented too much context publicly. I can’t reverse that path I was encouraged to follow. W/O the full context none of my expression makes sense and too many people already know it fully. If the nature of that context is severe & critical & time keeps passing w/o resolve, there should no surprise that each day that passes, it becomes harder to endure. Beyond that embarrassing context, I’m a super expressive, sensitive, & fearlessly honest artist. If I express privately to a void in multiple directions, the next step is expressing publicly (to a void) Excitement - void, Productivity - void w/o full context, saying “what am I still enduring & pushing for”. Sounds dramatic. In no reality is being vulnerable & looking weak easy. I’ve been so consistent & clear about how detrimental the void is in light of that context But here we are
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Dutchyyy
@dutchyyy
I don’t want to explain that context further to new people, this is not fun and it’s out of control. Getting mixed signals as a grown adult, being told one thing but the actions not lining up with those sentiments and words from multiple directions leaves me confused because giving the context, acknowledgment & and exchange of energy seems like a quick effortless action. I don’t mind a reality where I told firmly, “this is too heavy”. Or just honest conversation about where we stand. But the context doesn’t matter, I’d be relieved honestly. I’ve been trying to fully unplug a long time. So to the ones who encourage me to continue. I’m a trooper & pretty low maintenance. But expressing to a void is my death blow. How do I proceed. Unplug completely while my health is super unstable or unravel a lifetime of positive ripples by unraveling publicly. If I can be human & experience minimal human exchange of meaningful expression, documenting publicly can’t happen
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