Came here to learn more about crypto so I can more effectively advocate for its abolition before it ruins everybody here and the rest of us along with it

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Help me out: crypto is supposed to be a hedge against a volatile world but it seems more volatile than anything else and if there’s anything predictable, it moves with the nasdaq. What am I missing?

The "inflation hedge" argument is a bitcoin maxi talking point that is mostly nonsense outside of perhaps extreme hyperinflation scenarios. Crypto is a speculative risk asset.

Have you seen the price of eggs recently?

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Yes, eggs have been a much better inflation hedge than crypto :)