Poison Ivy’s Lair

Poison Ivy’s Lair

A place for my e-girl thoughts, modelling and cosplay tings!

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wartime art hoe

had a chance to really do some thinking this week consoled a friend who had PTSD symptoms crop up randomly and heard so much of what I felt shamed for expressing from them realizing how much of a blessing in disguise the happening might have been

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overall I think I've learned I am far more normie burner than nerd although the life coachy dynamics aren't quite 'nerd' I guess but the same flavour of 'this is ours and you're bad if you don't fit in here' despite the fact that I was in the scene long before friendly ambitious nerd became dogma but ykwim

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one of the main catalysts for things may have been musing on alt about how alone and isolated I felt in addition to my feelings on human nature is that insulting to my friends? I didn't think it was, my fc besties who knew what I was going through at the time didn't think it was but I really wonder

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I think really where I sit now is perceiving that most ppl fall somewhere between 'enlightened self interest' and 'fuck you, got mine' a very rare few truly possess a sense of altruism but they are rare enough it is a very foolish thing to count on

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early in our relationship the person who introduced me to BDSM said that she had to draw strict boundaries around trans friends because of the intensity of transition experiences one reason I wish I wasn't trans is that a lot of the female-female friendship learning would have been done during puberty 1

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maybe I should have done some kind of a 'I'm sorry you felt that way' message really wanted to, and almost did before the worst stuff was sent my way by other ppl really conflicted in finding a way to honour a friendship that was so fulfilling at one time and also that you should have been the one to end it sooner

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at the nude dinner party rose was a theme it's been a while since I indulged in woo but the message from the essence of rose was clear, write about it and then let it go I had kind of written off reconciliation theoretically but that's probably a sign to really just erase the concept entirely

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really do wish I would remember to take progesterone before I emo post

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feeling really powerfully alone, probably means it’s bedtime

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think it's not a surprise that becoming more unapologetic for myself has resulted in a lot of things coming my way lately of the somatic variety so feel the difference of 'you are bad if you don't feel comfortable with your body and being in front of others' to 'what you are feeling is normal and not your fault'

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this emotional pain now feels like parts of me dying, and I think the change is that the rest of me just doesn't really care / wishes the process would hurry up

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still really don't know what to do with those tears that can never become holy, knowing I'll probably pick up a few new ones every time I go to something maybe nothing? that I should just let them keep raining on my heart until it fully becomes stone

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really have tired of blogging a bit, I think after this latest one maybe I will switch to writing cringe poetry

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really uncertain as to whether I should try to upskill in discerning acceptance vs tolerance or just always assume the latter

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one of the underlying things I am perceiving with the aforementioned vibe shift is 'you should be happy we pretend that you're a woman and stop asking for any more' I think my blood is already pretty icy, and maybe really internalizing the above will help turn my heart to stone

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