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marlo

@marlo

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the last few weeks of therapy have been about money blocks it has been very painful, but very illuminating, to connect the current patterns in my life back to what i was taught growing up like not being allowed to get a job, instead used for labour for almost nothing in return—i learned that working myself into the ground was the bare minimum required to justify my existence and avoid danger my nervous system was programmed to believe i needed to give everything i had just to survive, and couldn’t ask for anything back, which would also be unsafe so i work too hard, expecting nothing, and it’s not generally valued by people. i have to get money mostly through luck or kind support too many intensely ingrained patterns have been thwarting me, but i’m determined to resolve them. i have things i want to make and do and i don’t want the past sabotaging it just because the past was crazy doesn’t mean my whole life has to be. i can get onto a new path and find new people who value me and my work…
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what you believe shapes your reality, and when you’re raised in a narcissistic abusive environment without a single caring person to lean on and keep you sane, the beliefs you adopt to survive are incredibly fucked every path leads to a feeling of horrible danger felt deeply in your body—failure? death. success? death. joy? death. misery? death. being seen? death. being unseen? death. money? death. no money? also death not ideal as i unearth all these conflicting programs and heal them it’s clear why my work has been such a struggle, and my body at war with itself—there wasn’t a single safe path!! i have things i want to do without being sabotaged by my nervous system’s attempts to keep me alive, so i’m making sure i fix as much as possible before i waste any more effort and time i’ve already achieved some amazing things despite incredible obstacles. i can’t wait to see what i can do once there are none
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when i can relax fully into a state of wu wei/flow/gnosis the experience is so intense for me that reality literally feels like a lucid dream i become extremely energized, i somehow know things that should be impossible to know, and i seem to be able to bend reality to my will effortlessly because of how powerful it is, you’d think that i would make this state the goal of my life, yet the challenge of doing so is incredibly immense most of the time. it takes me several hours a day in isolation with intense focus, and my nervous system seems to be working against me the entire time that was working top-down, though. for the last several weeks i’ve been using my therapy sessions to heal and reprogram myself from the root level to be able to make relaxation my default state instead of transcending the ego, i’ve been embracing it, bringing my worst self to the forefront for integration and healing. no bypassing, only complete honesty and surrender feeling closer to my goal state every week ✨
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