marlo

@marlo

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feeling very fortunate to have made it another year on earth, and to get to celebrate with so many old friends as we travel through some of the places we used to live. i’ve been incredibly spoiled by their generosity and have received some truly magical gifts! i have such exceptional, talented, kind, beautiful people in my corner, and it means more than i can express. thank you 🩷

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my greatest hurdles to feeling joy all the time might just be shame and guilt. a lot of it comes from abuse, and a lot comes from the maladaptive behaviours that resulted from abuse i feel like i’ve failed as a person in so many areas because i didn’t know how to function with so much trauma. i didn’t know how to connect with others. i didn’t know how to have my needs met. i didn’t know how to find peace. so i would often go about things in dysfunctional ways, then feel horrible afterwards it’s challenging to heal, but with emdr i’ve finally found something that deeply works, and am slowly reprogramming my mind i’ve felt a strong desire to end my life many times. it is my earliest memory. i think now that i actually subconsciously have ended the life of my old, damaged self. i can’t be that person any more. it is intolerable as i uncover the true self underneath the pain and dysfunction my life will slowly begin again as that person instead

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the magical thinking experiment i started in august is really kicking my ass when you set an intention towards a new desire, you can get experiences in the opposite direction for awhile. old negative patterns need resolution before you can become a person aligned with your goals. it’s often mild and easy to deal with, but not always for me, health has been the biggest challenge. i first ended up with migraines that lasted about a month. then while treating that, i came across a new path i could take toward healing my gut issues, which have been increasingly severe, but that path has been a huge test. along with other side effects, i’ve barely been able to move for weeks, and i’m feeling lost and disoriented in this liminal place i know my goal now needs to be healing my body and resolving as much trauma and chronic stress as possible, but i have a hard time neglecting work for so long. i need to get my shit together though. learn how to be a functional human so i can reboot my career on solid ground

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still alive, just on a temporary healing protocol which has been difficult and i’m feeling really bad. has to be done though, i need to stop being so sick and in pain all the time. i’m expecting to feel better than ever once i’m through to the other side 💛

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liz gilbert received a $200,000 advance to travel and write ‘eat, pray, love’ if you could get a book deal to fund an experience that you’d write about, what would you most want it to be? maybe not original enough, but i think a year in isolation off-grid would be interesting. kind of like ‘walden’ but without my mom coming to bring me sandwiches and do my laundry

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during my month of magical thinking i experienced some profound changes and benefits. here are the ones that stand out to me the most:

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wow, one of my favourites from ‘with the light’ is available for .099! floor has been .99 for quite awhile https://opensea.io/assets/ethereum/0x4019df7b53d80208fab4de6ced4f6e2f968b4411/80

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i dedicated a month to thinking only positive thoughts—did i succeed? surprisingly, once i set this intention, my conscious thinking cooperated beautifully. it was very easy to stay positive almost all the time there were a couple situations where it was more challenging, though:

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something i was thinking about today. healing is a gift for yourself and the entire universe simultaneously. there’s no telling how profound the impact will be 🦋

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migraines have mostly calmed down. it’s interesting how much inflammation seems to affect mood. i feel much more depressed when my body feels angry, and it’s much more difficult to get out of it anyway, here’s an update if anyone is interested in how my experiment is going! https://x.com/marlo_here/status/1834384516972187880

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migraines most days for the last couple weeks. will be back more once the light sensitivity calms down ✨

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a month of magical thinking day 31 i’m feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight for the experience of this month, and for the relief that i’m entering a much lighter phase in my life. i felt profoundly crushed under the weight of everything, most of the time, no matter how hard i worked or meditated or rested or anything else. i’m finally really feeling a deep sense of relief. and it’s just the beginning because of the intensity of all the trauma release work i haven’t finished everything i wanted to do this month, so the experiment will continue on! i will share some summaries and learnings soon and will shift to less frequent but more substantial posts there are more interesting things to share, but overall this experiment was one of the most valuable things i’ve ever done for myself. i don’t think anything will be the same from now on

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a month of magical thinking day 30 the euphoria is returning, and the deep feeling of power and satisfaction from yesterday is still here. i feel like a piano with someone playing low c and high c together. can i add to this? how many notes at once? i clearly don’t know how feelings work. this seems like just the beginning of an exciting new adventure tomorrow is the last official day of the experiment, but it wasn’t long enough. so much time and energy went to trauma healing that i didn’t get to do all the things i wanted, like trying some online courses. so the journey will continue, though perhaps not with daily posts

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a month of magical thinking day 29 the euphoria has shifted into a more earthy and grounded state. i’m not even sure what i’d call it, but it feels powerful. i’m focusing on integrating this so it stays awhile. it easily fades away if i’m distracted. if i relax into it, it deepens and blooms

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a month of magical thinking day 28 this is the part where most people would probably give up lots of shadow work and migraines are keeping things interesting this week the best way out is through, however. i’ll keep accepting the challenges presented to me and transcending them i wonder if most people would have it this hard i’ve been helping @jameswyper go through a similar process and he’s having a much easier time, and seeing epic results in his art practice. i’m guessing most people would have an experience more like his according to the a.c.e. study on adverse childhood experiences i’m in the top percent of trauma experiencers for having had so many different categories of traumatic events. i don’t want my unusually challenging experience on this journey to scare anyone off—few people would have this many things to address in a way i’m excited to have so much to work on, though. i have an incredible life already. to think i could still see a massive improvement is amazing!

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a month of magical thinking day 27 this has been a more difficult week of processing, but it helps to focus on embodying the new goal states of being as much as possible. this is technically the ultimate goal—the happier, more integrated, more aligned, more empowered self it’s easier to be your ideal self while meditating and visualizing than while caught up in daily activities, so it takes focus and practice also, once you experience yourself as this new, better-feeling person, it seems to feel especially bad to slip back into your old energy. it’s important to keep up with your expansion

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a month of magical thinking day 26 the more i focus on the positive, the more i notice old negative beliefs and trauma responses as they surface. the more i heal those, the more positive i feel. the more positive i feel, the more i notice old negative beliefs and trauma responses. the pattern keeps repeating over and over and over. and it’s a lot of work! part of me really wants to speed run this process so it can be over, but i know that is not recommended (and that it will never really be over) so i’m just working on everything that comes up naturally, and being thorough. it’s tempting to feel overwhelmed or discouraged with how much work is left to do, but it’s also easy to feel really proud and excited about the amount i’ve already accomplished instead. i can’t even explain what i’ve overcome to be where i am today, and honestly you probably don’t want to know but now the light is spreading the old me is burning away

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a month of magical thinking day 25 i woke up feeling so good today. it really is like being high on mushrooms or something. most normal activities bring me down a bit, but i’d like to change the way i do things so this doesn’t happen so much. i know i can do it, it’s just extra discipline and mindfulness small meditation breaks also help if i notice myself focused on a task that doesn’t make me feel my best i’m really proud of what i’ve accomplished this month so far, and the positive benefits keep piling on. i’ll share more about the concrete results at the end. it will be nice to look back and see how far i’ve come!

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a month of magical thinking day 24 negative emotions are fading away more and more. they are so weak and rare these days. if i notice myself moving toward one, which has been maybe once or twice a day, i can easily redirect my mind. simply stopping my thoughts is enough to float back into a happy and high state. it’s pretty interesting to feel only positive feelings 99% of the time! all the meditation and other tools i’ve implemented over the years have prepared me perfectly for this moment. with a high degree of trauma interfering, they were never enough. it was a ton of work just to not feel horrible. but with a much lighter load of trauma they are incredibly powerful. it’s like i trained for a sport with a hundred pound weight on my back, and now that it’s gone i feel like i’m flying i do think that the euphoria of releasing so much trauma could be a temporary high from finding so much relief in a short time, but i’m going to do all i can to keep going in a positive direction

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a month of magical thinking day 23 the upward spiral continues, and i’m feeling almost euphoric. the inspirations are getting stronger and bigger. i’m excited for each day and to see what comes next

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