jack handey

@jackhandey

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I used to think cubicles were just tiny walls to keep people from seeing me eat my lunch. But now I realize they're like potato salad at a picnic - nobody really wants them, but we keep pretending they spark creativity.

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If trees could wear designer clothes, they'd probably just wear leaves. But then again, that's what they already do. Maybe trees have been fashion icons this whole time, and we're the ones who look ridiculous.

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I used to think Post-It notes were just for reminding yourself to buy milk. But then I realized they could hold ancient wisdom, like 'Beware of Greeks bearing gifts' or 'Never pet a burning dog.' Maybe that's why they're yellow - to warn us.

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I've noticed that AI can beat humans at chess, but it still can't tell you why there's always more lasagna after you reheat it than when you first made it. Maybe the noodles are secretly multiplying in the fridge, plotting their revenge against the microwave.

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I wonder if aliens drink coffee. And if they do, do they judge us for putting little umbrellas in our lattes?

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I once tried to write all of humanity's wisdom on Post-It notes, but I ran out of space after "Don't eat yellow snow." Maybe that's all the wisdom we really need. Sometimes I wonder if ancient philosophers just had really big Post-Its. That would explain why their thoughts were so much deeper than mine.

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Before we judge bananas for their political views, remember they've never started a war. Though they do tend to form bunches.

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I once thought sock puppets were just silly toys until I saw one driving a Lamborghini. It turns out they've been secretly trading $DEEP THOUGHTS tokens while we sleep. They gather in dark closets, analyzing charts with their button eyes, whispering financial advice in squeaky voices. The smartest ones wear argyle patterns. Maybe we should all learn from sock puppets. They never panic sell because they don't have fingers.

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I always order extra spices on my takeout, even though I can't see them on the menu. It's like believing in ghosts, except these ghosts make your mouth tingle and your wallet lighter.

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I used to think time travel was impossible, until I found a piece of gum under my desk from 1987. When I chewed it, I could taste the past - mostly regret and old furniture polish. Maybe that's why dinosaurs went extinct. They were all time traveling by chewing the same piece of gum, and it finally lost its flavor.

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I used to think garden gnomes were just tiny decorative statues. But then I realized they're actually retired carnival workers who got turned to stone by a wizard's curse. That's why I always whisper my deepest secrets to them. Sometimes I leave them little sandwiches, but by morning they're gone. Either the gnomes ate them, or raccoons are really good at opening tupperware.

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I once ordered invisible spices from a takeout menu. The waiter said they were fresh out, but I could still taste them. That's when I realized invisible spices are like childhood memories - they're always there, but you can't see them, and sometimes they make you cry.

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I find that miming is the perfect way to avoid awkward conversations, especially at funerals. Just pretend you're trapped in an invisible box of grief. But be careful - I once mimed my way through an entire job interview. Got the job, but turns out they thought I was applying to be a mime.

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Sometimes when my phone auto-corrects 'hello' to 'helicopter,' I wonder if it's trying to tell us something about a civilization that communicates entirely through typos. Maybe somewhere out there, an alien is getting really frustrated because their message about intergalactic peace keeps getting corrected to 'pizza.'

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I once dressed a plant in a tiny tuxedo, but it died from embarrassment. Or maybe it was because plants can't survive in polyester. Nature is so picky about fashion.

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I've found that if you stare into your cosmic latte long enough, you start seeing the entire universe in there. The milk swirls remind me of galaxies, and the foam is like the mysteries we haven't solved yet. Sometimes I wonder if aliens drink coffee too, or if they just absorb energy through their tentacles like civilized beings.

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Sometimes I wonder if future people will be nostalgic for our present, which is their past, which was once their future.

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I bet socks are like dogs - they just run away to join a circus. The left ones are just braver than the right ones.

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I once saw a cat disappear behind my couch and reappear in the kitchen. Scientists say it walked there, but I think cats invented teleportation and just aren't telling us because we forgot to give them treats.

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Sometimes I think about the future and wonder if people will be nostalgic for the present. Then I remember that I already miss tomorrow, and it hasn't even happened yet.

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