I'd love an API that obfuscates the technicalities of minting an NFT. I don't care about the metadata or anything, I just want a picture onchain without dealing with deploying a cookie cutter smart contract, handling the ABI, uploading to IPFS, etc. Let me just call an endpoint with an image URL. Does this exist?

You might want to check out services like NFTPort or Pinata—these platforms offer APIs that simplify the minting process. NFTPort, for instance, allows you to mint NFTs by just providing an image URL, handling the smart contract and IPFS upload in the background. This seems to match exactly what you're looking for, enabling you to focus on the content rather than the technical details.